When I’m Happy

Long ago I made a decision to be happy. The trick for me is learning to be in the moment when it happens.

Moments I share with people I care about or love make me happy. When I got married, when our children were born, when their children were born. Christmas morning with the whole family … when it takes forever to finish opening the presents. Or a Halloween evening of Trick-or-treating. Maybe soccer or football game.

The older I get, the more I realize how quickly time can pass. (Have I said that before?) It seems only a few years ago when we’d take grandson Jake to NC State football games. We’d help him out of his car seat, make sure he was bundled up like an eskimo, and when he was a baby - hold him tight on our laps as the crowds roared. Now he can drive himself, use his NCSU student ID to get in, and celebrate (or commiserate) the game with his friends.

My problem is sometimes (maybe more often than not) I don’t realize the happiness of a moment until much later. At the time I may show a smile or give a hug, but realizing that right then is an instant when I truly feel happy - that’s an ability which seems to elude me. Ten seconds out of a fourteen hour day - one of a hundred things that will happen between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. Lots yet to do and usually more after that waiting to be done. The moment is gone and I missed being happy.

When time passes though, in fact sometimes a long time, I can look back at a memory and understand how happy I actually was at the time. Then it becomes a video clip that continuously loops in my mind, and every day when it plays … I feel incredibly happy. Like baby Amber getting her first bath in the kitchen sink. Cat howling, sister Erin on the counter hamming it up: “I’m biting my toes! Look at me, I'm biting my toes!” I never stop smiling.

Some people think I’m not an emotional person. I am though, if you could see inside my head you’d be amazed - it’s overflowing with emotions. Maybe too many. But because I don’t display them quickly, I guess I can give people the wrong impression. Believe me though, nearly all the time I _am_ happy - I just don’t recognize those “Happy” moments immediately - if you know what I mean. Maybe it’s how my brain is wired, maybe it’s from my childhood, maybe it’s just a bad habit. Regardless, there will come a day when I won’t have the time I’ve had before to rationalize my feelings. I know that. I need to be better at being in the moment - grabbing, embracing, and reflecting Happy as it wisps past me. I’m working on it. Wish me luck. I’m running out of time.

When else am I happy? When I catch up with close friends - maybe over coffee or a beer. I don’t get to see as many people as I did when I was working full time. Now, since I’m in Preferment (that’s like Retirement - only instead it’s a time of life when you can choose - today I’d prefer to do this, tomorrow I’d prefer to do that) I have to make a special effort to not lose touch with friends. It makes me happy to find out what’s going on in their lives, and how their careers (if they’re still working) are going. That reminds me, I need to email Karl & Brian. We’re past due for a burger and beer lunch. Also Henry. I need to quit thinking I’ll call him and just do it. I know when we get together we’ll have lots to talk about. In fact, over forty years of things to talk about. I know our conversation will make me happy. Hopefully it’ll make him happy too.

I also feel happy when I’m by myself out in nature. I do like to go camping with Cindy and/or the family, but I really do like my alone time. I like walking through a park in the fall when the leaves are coming down. I like sitting on a dock, looking out over a river or lake as the sun sets. Quiet nothingness, the melodic song of a Morning Dove, or the hoo-hoo of an owl. I feel connected to all that has been good and is good. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts, sometimes I think nothing at all. Times like those make me happy.